No, we’re not talking about the classic Salt-N-Pepa song – it’s actually the time to talk about sex.
It isn’t uncommon for women, no matter who they are and what they like, to have some questions about sex. Although, on a more unfortunate note, it’s also not uncommon for women to bottle these questions up rather than seek out the answers. Maybe they’re embarrassed and want to avoid actually having to ask. Well, trust us, sex therapists and sex aficionados have heard it all — there’s no need to be nervous or ashamed. In fact, there’s rarely a reason to be nervous or ashamed whenever you’re asking important (or even more minute) questions about sex.
Besides, at the end of the day, communication is at the center of any healthy sex life. If you want to have good sex, then you’re going to need to communicate about it. First with your partner, but also with those who can help answer some of your most pressing questions. Keep an open mind, and don’t be afraid to have these kinds of conversations.
Unsure what you want to ask? Seriously, what do sex therapists get asked most often? Is there any topic that you haven’t thought much about, even though it could actually provide you with some valuable new insight, in the bedroom? Well, to get you started, we’ve decided to compile some of the most commonly asked questions about sex for you.
5 of the Most Frequently Asked Sex Questions, Answered
We’ve compiled some of the most frequently asked questions about bedroom activities — we’ve also given you some of the answers you’ve been seeking out. Remember, it’s never a bad thing to want to learn more about sex. This kind of openness and willingness to learn can lead to your healthiest sex life to date. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner and to continue growing and learning about your own sexuality.
1. Are My Bedroom Habits “Normal”?
Chances are, everyone who has asked this question to a sex therapist has had a different definition of “normal.” Additionally, they probably have a different aspect of their own sexuality that they’re worried is less than normal and are seeking reassurance about. Maybe it’s what they’re actually doing or feeling in the bedroom, or maybe it’s what they’ve been fantasizing about.
Well, there’s a couple of important points to make here.
There’s a fair bit (or maybe more than just a “fair bit”) of stigma surrounding whether any woman’s sexuality is “normal.” If you need to know, just check out how often women who enjoy sex are the butt of the joke in movies and tv. We still have a long way to go, so imagine what happens for women who enjoy things out of the realm of “normal?”
Alleged abnormal sexual habits are looked down upon, even if they’re being practiced in a healthy, consensual way, and if all partners are satisfied and safe in the situation. But, at the end of the day, is anyone’s sex life truly “abnormal?” The answer is no. Like the old adage says, normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up because you’re not meeting standards set by the (alleged) sexual norms. In reality, there’s no such thing as a normal or an abnormal sex life — there are no standards that you should be aiming to achieve. Plus, even when you think you’re alone in a sexual preference or experience, the reality is, you’re probably not. There’s a strong chance that there are others out there with similar experiences and struggles to yourself.
Long story short: Throw out the idea of a “normal” sex life. There’s no baseline you’ll need to reach. Normal and abnormal sex lives don’t exist. A sex life is just a sex life, no matter how it’s practiced.
2. How Can I Share My Sexual Fantasies With My Partner?
Like we’ve already emphasized, communication is a necessity to any healthy, happy sex life, whether it’s between long-term partners or within a more casual relationship. If you’re afraid to be open with your partner about your sexual needs, more often than not, no one involved in the situation is going to benefit. If you’re unsatisfied in the bedroom, then the same is likely true for your partner.
For women, it’s especially easy to feel ashamed over our sexual desires. After all, isn’t that what society and the media have told us all our lives? That women are the objects of desire, not the ones who desire? Sexual desire isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s okay to want to have sex, and it’s okay to talk about sex, and it’s crucial to do so with your partner.
Still, some women feel too self-conscious to vocalize their fantasies. If that’s the case for you, there are still other methods of communication. For instance, you could try writing them down. Sure, it’s easier said than done, but it’s a viable alternative for many individuals who struggle with verbal communication surrounding the topic of sex.
Consider creating a folder, box, or other container where you and your partner can write down and store any sexual fantasies or desires. Whenever you have something new to say, just jot it down on a slip of paper and add it to your collection. This can be a far less daunting procedure than saying it out loud. Of course, if you can, try to work up to that point — verbal communication skills are incredibly valuable in a relationship. Just take it at your own pace, and make sure your partner understands your sexual journey and how you are working up to vocal sharing.
3. Why Is It So Difficult for Me to Get Turned On?
Lack of libido definitely isn’t an uncommon issue for some. Actually, it’s something that both men and women will struggle with at some point in their lives.
Libido can be affected by an array of other factors, even if you weren’t previously linking them to your sex life. Of course, one of the most common causes for low libido is pretty simple: age. As a woman enters menopause, these fluctuating hormone levels can end up reducing her sex drive. In fact, some women might experience perimenopause as young as age thirty-five. Hormonal changes like these can lead to a lowered libido over time. Don’t worry, though. Your sex life doesn’t have to end when you hit menopause. You just might have to talk with your doctor about making some changes.
There are other factors that can be attributed to changes in libido or your ability to get turned on during sex. Certain medications can take a substantial toll on your sex drive, although this is sometimes just a temporary reaction. Birth control and some antidepressants have been linked to lower libido in women. Even just being out of shape or not getting an adequate amount of sleep can bring down your sex drive.
Have you lost interest in sex out of the blue? To start, don’t panic or jump to any conclusions. Like we’ve mentioned, there’s a multitude of factors that could be at play. Take a look at your lifestyle. Are you exercising and eating a healthy, balanced diet? Are you getting enough sleep every night? Before assuming that something serious is going on, consider how your day-to-day lifestyle could be impacting your libido. Truthfully, this isn’t an uncommon scenario to wind up in.
Still not sure what’s driving down your libido? In that case, it’s time to pay a visit to your doctor. Although many women feel self-conscious or uncomfortable turning to their physicians during sexual issues, this is totally unnecessary. We promise, your doctor isn’t there to judge you. They’re there to help you make sense of this problem, which has been making a negative impact on your life. Your doctor will likely be able to inform you if the issue is related to hormones or if it’s just a side effect of your new medication.
Finally, try to better manage stress in your daily life. Whenever your stress levels are high, it’s probably going to be far more difficult to get turned on or to have any desire for sex. If you have trouble managing stress, it’s often a great idea to see a therapist for help. Sometimes, it can just be too difficult or overwhelming to manage stress levels without assistance. And that’s perfectly okay.
4. What Should I Do if My Partner and I Are Stuck in a Rut?
Looking to spice things up? Well, a lot of couples are, believe it or not. It isn’t uncommon for your sex life to start to feel boring over time, especially when you’ve been in a long-term relationship. However, it’s also entirely possible to combat this and to start making things interesting, again — no matter how long you’ve been seeing someone for.
For one, it may not be the best idea to stick to a rigid routine when it comes to sex. If you’re just doing the same thing, at the same time, in the same way, then it’s not surprising that you’ll grow bored pretty quickly. Instead, try making subtle tweaks and alterations to your routine.
This could even mean something as simple as initiating sex at a time you typically wouldn’t. Maybe right as your partner walks in the door if that isn’t something you usually do, and, of course, don’t be afraid to try new things whenever the sex is happening. Consider buying a book that you both can look at and practice some new techniques.
Also, don’t be afraid to flirt. Some long-term couples tend not to bother with flirting, although it’s actually a great way to keep your sex life fresh and interesting. If you’ve never tried sexting or sending your partner provocative texts, then that could be a technique worth trying. Basically, what we’re saying is this: It’s okay to be playful in your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together.
5. Can All Women Orgasm Through Penetrative Sex?
Every woman’s body is different from the next. If you’re unable to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone, don’t worry. This is normal, just like it’s normal for a woman to orgasm easily through intercourse. Most women don’t orgasm through penetration, so explore what works for you – even without your partner around. When you know what is preferred, you are better able to explain it when you are together.
Naturally, some women will find it far more difficult to orgasm than others. This can also be the result of outside factors or just not taking time to figure out what works for you. For instance, without inadequate time and effort spent on foreplay, it’s less likely that you’ll be able to orgasm at all. Stress or tension can also make it difficult to orgasm, so if you’re feeling nervous, it’s going to be more difficult to orgasm.
Most women find that they’re simply unable to orgasm without clitoral stimulation. If you can’t orgasm through penetration, then don’t try to force it — that will only take the enjoyment out of sex in the end. Work with your body, not against it. Give your partner what they need, but know that they may need to do something extra for you, either before or after penetrative sex.
When It Comes to Sex, Never Stop Asking Questions
If there’s any point we’d like to drive home, it’s this: Never be afraid to ask questions about sex, as a lot of the time, you’re going to receive some valuable answers. Very importantly, there’s nothing shameful about enjoying sex as a woman. And there’s definitely nothing wrong with wanting to improve your sex life or learn more about how you can have the best sex you’ve ever experienced.
It’s okay to care about sex and to dedicate time to making sure your sex life is as healthy and enjoyable as it can be. You deserve a happy sex life.